COpING WItH DWARVeS

TheRe now flollows is a PUBELIC INFNORMATION ANNOUNCEMINT by the GOBBLINGNS OF CLOVENSTONE.
3 TELL-TALE SIGNS THAT YOU IS BEIN INVADED BY DWARVES

1. MYSTERIUS CHIMBLEYS
Here (abuv) is a place that some dwarves invaded earlier. As you can see, dwarf mines needs air for the dwarfs to breathe so they builds big tAll VENTITILLATION CHIMBLEYS. If you look out in yore gaRden one day anD see a crop of tall stOne chimBleys, YOU HAS BIN INVADED BY DWARVES and they has probibly tunnilled unDer yore hoUse alreddy and is buzy diggin minEs in yore CellaR you is SO DOOOMED.
2. MOLEHILLS.



If yore molehills is about as high as yOur knees, they is made by plane ordnirary MOLES and you has got noThingk to wurry about: moles is HARMLISS and FARELY TASTY (don’t miNd iff I do nom nom yum burp etc).  

Butt if yore molehills toWers above you to about the hiTe of a thrEe-story bilDing then they haS bin made by the dreAded gignantick DIREMOLES what the Dwarves have hArnissed to dig their mines and tunnils for them: YOU HAS BIN INVADED BY DWARVES quick Run Awaey!



3. LODES OF BLIMMIN DWARVES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

(This oNe is pritty mUch self eXplaNatory, reely.)

WHATT TO DO.

1. Do nott PICNIC.  

2. Do nott PANIC.  (To be oNnest this miGht be what nummber 1 was surPosed to say, we goTt a bit confused.)

3. Go to yoRe neereSt BUMWIPE SELLER and purChase a koPy of GOBLINNS VS DWARVES, the new WONDER BURK. 

It tels the GRIPING TALE of the DWARVISH INVASUN OF CLOVENSTONE an contanes lodes of INFNORMATION about DWAVRES AN THERE WAYS an many usefull tricks an scheMes fer fightinG them.

Iff thoze doN’t wOrk, at leest itt will wHile awAy the Time whil you Wate for the tiTchy gRumbleRs to undErminE yore fOundatIons an bRing yoRe houSe tumblin down in ROOINS on tOpp of yoo.

Good luck, sofFtlings, an remeMememBeR: WaTCH thE GROUND! EVReYWhERE! KeEP LOOKIN! KEEP WATChING THE GrOUND!

PS: We nicked the dwArves pichcter off of thatt HObtiT Movie they is just sum soFtlings dressed up (Reel dwarves HATE haviN there photos takeN.)

An Announcemint from the GOBBLINS

Greetings, Pathethtick Sofftlings!

Yes, it is yore old frennds the CLOVENSTONE GOBBLINS here, with anothver top-notch GUEST POST. Thiss time we has bin arsked to alurt you to the PERRIL posed by DWARVES.

Menny people fthink thatt DWArVES is NICE. They wotches rubish films like SNO WHITE AN THE SEVEN SAMURAI and THE HObBBIT AN UNEXPECTORATED JOURNEY and they getts the idea thatt Dwarves is all joly an brave an hard wokring an such.

This is NOTT TROO.

Iff you read the ace new burk GOBLINS VS DWARVES (available NOW from all good sofftling bumwipe sellers) you wil learn about the trubble we had when a bunch of the stumpy-legged beard-faces decided to staRt mining up Clovenstone, where we live, an draniNg our precious lava lake from hoo’s mystic depths (that’s litterature) all GOBBLINGS is hatched.

Nott only thatt, but we had even MORE trubble when Skarper and HeNwyn tried to persuade the sofftlings to help us fight oFf the Dwarvish mennis.  An why? Because the sofftlings had all been reading Sno White an The Hobbtit or simliliar  unlilkely tales an so the beleeved thatt Dwarves is brave hard workling etc and that Gobblins is all EVIL and SMEL.

(Acshually we DO smel, so maybe they was right about thatt. But we digress…)

All this trubble what we hadd has made us reelise thatt most Sofftlings does not know their arras from their elbow when it cOmes to Dwarves. (CLUE: an ARRAS is a sort of tapestry, and ELBOW is a boRing softliNg band.)

In our next Blogg post wee will be tellin you THREE WAYS TO TELL IF YOU HAS GOTT AN INFNESTATION OF DWARVES an whatt you cann do aboUt the little bliters. In the meentime:

KEEP CARM AND BUY GOBLINNS VS DWARVES.

Ps:  Here is wott one nice sofftling bumwipe reviewer said about it, an all the others will be sayin nice thinggs too IF THEY KNOWS WHATT IS GOOD FOR THEM.

PPS: sOry some of this bloGg is a bit faded: GutgUst did a wee all over it.  

PPpS: PriNceSs Ned says yoo should probibly wash Yore haNds aFter yoU hav read it.

Next Year’s Cover!

This may be a wee bit premature, since I only sent off the final draft of my next book yesterday, but I had my first peek at the cover today, and it’s too good not to share… Goblins vs Dwarves will be a sequel to Goblins, and it’s going to be as red as the first book is green.  It will be published next spring. (Goblin and dwarf drawings by Dave Semple, as before…)

Incidentally, Goblins is also available for Kindle.